I felt myself tossed. You can grieve but you’re not allowed to be sad or surprised. You can’t ask why. We all know why.
Like an unspeakable cancer like a disease you can’t reduce to an acronym comfortable enough to say out loud. He chose this. She started this. It’s their fault and it’s your fault too.
Because you chose to ignore that it’s your children it’s their friends shrouded in the shadow of denial like you didn’t hatch the demons, like we had a chance to fight and we succumbed to some society you know nothing about and it hasn’t been there all along in your afternoon Chardonnay, in the valium in the medicine cabinet from that accident you had before I was born
It’s his fault you can’t feel bad feel sad FEEL SOMETHING
You did this
We all did this
They want reassurance that they know who the bad people are … and it’s not them.

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