I saw you watching me.
I know you’re sorry, I know you won’t say it
I still smell the acid nail polish, the fruity drinks
The sticky summer stink we all emit when it’s late
In the night and we’ve been up all day
Drinking talking sitting closer closer closer
Still
You didn’t have to go along with it
Turns out you had so much more to lose
And you still can’t say you’re sorry
Why aren’t you sorry?
I’ve been through broken elbows and handcuffs,
Keyed cars, dented windows
A chipped tooth
Do you know what that’s like?
Do you know what it’s like to live with it?
To not walk away?
End the scene, back to your roleplay,
Back to your stately character,
The professor’s wife
While I’ve been hiding from helicopters
Staving off spotlights
Let the record show
I’m still here
And I’m vengeful

I can’t believe it but I have to
I saw the blood coming through the walls
Open ventricles, surrounded vessels, body parts,
Trash bags
We came up together and you did this
How could you do this?
Did you know everyone will know that you did this?
How could you do this?
Do you think you have any jurisdiction?
Do you think the villagers crave a king?
So dramatic, bombastic, easily frayed
Terror is nothing new
It’s easy to control when they fear you
I tried calling you, reaching you,
Feeling you through the soundwaves,
The cosmic vibration that conceive concentration
I am here my dear. I am begging you
Did you know the flowers come from seeds
And seeds come from flowers
And we’re all just powerless
Planting our pieces, framing this mystery
I feel rusty
I feel like kicking and screaming
I feel like if I stop for one second
I will just disappear
Tell the truth, it’s your turn,
I didn’t have a say in this
We are all waiting on you

I could taste it in my teeth
Beleaguered indecision back and forth
Greeting cards and grocery store flowers
Won’t offset this desperate situation
You know she’s dying? We’re all dying
Trying to pretend it’s not happening
Hasn’t happened already
Send sunshine, send money
They said starve the ego feed the soul
Pretend you didn’t see
Pretend you don’t know I’ve been watching you,
Reading about you
Clipping the articles, pressing the newspaper
Wrapped up in the narrative, arcing the action
Aching for what it was
What it could have been
Leave me alone
Get out
Seal the envelope
Bury the message
Cut off correspondence
It’s eating away at me, I’ve got acid in my lungs
I’m morphing, I’ve got problems,
I don’t believe you cared
I don’t believe you knew what was going on
I don’t believe it happened
These small pieces to this big puzzle
We’ve all been trying to put together and the cardboard is wet and they won’t lock together
And I’m not a good person
And everyone knows it.

Some of it’s the same and some of it’s different
How can everyone just agree it’s not that bad?
Are they in on the secret?
Does everybody know what I know?
Does it keep you up all night?
And when you fall asleep for a second
It wakes you up in sweat-soaked quakes
Do they know?
Does anyone know?
What I see? Or am I like some cursed prophet
Destined to share the news
But not not stop it
Change it
Correct it
New direction, skipped turn, resistance,
Resilience
I’ve been through this once before and
I survived, my muscles were hot,
My hands were cramping and
That’s around the time I developed that limp
From sore bones, shin splints,
I took it with me, carried it through,
Tucked it away
Still feel it, still ache from it
I swore I saw you, your shadow,
I know you’ve been watching
Stay out of here
The farther away you get from the thing you fear,
The less it controls you

I don’t have it in me
Do you think that’s possible?
I skipped the sequence, the nerve ended
Your deviance persisted, unbridled, unhinged
What you want, when you want
Like there’s NO order, NO justice, NO cosmos
Sweet morning notes
Scrawled on receipt paper and coupons
Forgive me
I had the courage to ask
Didn’t ignore it, didn’t hide it
Didn’t willfully dismiss it, like some dream,
Some delusion
You’ll use it to blame me, when the train’s pulling in
And you have one ticket,
And you left my bag,
And I never packed it,
And you changed the locks,
And I threw away the key,
And the cobwebs were creeping from crown molding to the ceiling
And it didn’t matter how beautiful it looked
Because the damage was danger
Though I never believed it
Skirting perimeters, pushing odometers
We were limitless
But I think the walls are closing in
And the plaster is chipping, and there’s
This devastating poison underneath

Broken glass is following me
A penchant plague traveling from state to state
Buried into by back sewing into my seams
You will feel it
Not at first
But I’ll plant my pain
You’ll wake up and it will be the end of the world
And I’ll have betrayed you
Do you think this is easy?
Do you think I sleep at night?
Not rogue hours during the day
Runaway naps, alarms set
I won’t let you catch me down
I locked the deadbolt
I took out the trash
I’ve tucked my face into the pillows
Just to smell your rancor
I watched the moment play by
With agonizing finality
That was it
How could I sleep?
When I had the chance to listen to you
Breathe
They blame their mothers
They take blood tests
I started this but you’re not innocent
Is that the hour?

The shower head won’t baptize me
The water’s heat is fleeting
Crass reality cranks onward while your memories
Mingle and the truth becomes unclear
I really don’t think about it at all
In fact, I’ve forgotten most the names
I am so desperate to justify this journey
I have buried what I’ve been through
Unmarked graves, scattered bodies,
Dismembered enemies, failed unity,
Do you really believe we face this with someone else?
Like someone else will walk into traffic
With you
See through the story you keep telling
The redundant recap
No one cares what happened
Your construct is limited
Your view is constricted
Your eyes will swell and cloud with cataract compositions
Of what you thought your life was
What you know if will never be
I was tricked
I was played
I was coerced
They won’t believe me, gilded hall,
Pink dress, mirrored elevator,
rocking side to side
Are you drunk or just dead inside?

He died from an enlarged heart
And she drank herself to death
Though I’m not sure that’s exactly what happens
You don’t drown, you corrode
From the inside out, so no one notices
While you slowly melt and merge with the water supply
You’ll poison the public, you always have
Your shit attitude, lack of aptitude
That’s not my problem
I can’t make you a man and I wouldn’t
That’s easy, that’s nothing
Flowers, parade, and pomp and circumstance
Rote ritual, it means nothing
There’s no rebuilding this wreck
Once all the pieces are unscrewed
Rolling loose, light repair
This is where this ends
And I think you know it too
I wanted to sneak in when I drove past your house
But what fun’s intrusion
When there’s not the build up of being wanted, being thought of, being watched
I know you saw me too
Though you told me you didn’t
Burnt out, bells ringing, begging for an audience
Just a couple adults balancing on one foot

Nothing scares me
I have no limit
I’ve been pushing, redistricting
Tracing lines around the crime scene
Like I will solve it
Like you’re such a mystery
And no one else’s really like you
They’re all jealous, they’re all missing out
Like you’re something, like you don’t care
Circumnavigating ambivalence
Not touching it, not saying it,
Not even breathing
Or concerned with this condemned structure
I will not sign off on this
I will not play this role
Direct your narration, arrange your scenery,
Go on like it didn’t happen
And no one remembers anything
Somewhere between the soggy indian summer
And the dull chill of fall
You started this
And I fully intend to prove it
I am just like you
I made the same mistakes you did.

I saw you but you didn’t see me
You were painted into the backdrop
Supporting the subject as expected
Why bother to reject the rejected
The street lights shut off but the sun didn’t rise
And the darkness doused the people and places
A frigid subterranean chokehold
Castrated race horse, squandered ambition,
Strangled voice
I never saw this coming, neither did he
From east to west and back again
From start to end and begin again
Arrivals and departures
I’ve been watching, waiting, turning, pacing
For your life to fall apart
I spent a year in the killing streets
I still think we deserve what we desire
When the smoke clears, I’m still here
Wobbling upright, trading keys,
Impervious to the march of time
I lived, I’ll carry you
When things fall apart we’ll come together
The world is ending and people are
Taking pictures.