I’m an old drunk already

I felt this heaviness in my heart when I stood up, heat in my eyes, clouds in my head, fragmented memory, pieces of reality, I choose to live like this, I do it every time, I’m sick, I’m delusional, I’m lost and I’m here, I made it back somehow, why would the universe favor me?
And I would ask forgiveness, but that’s all I ever ask, and I wonder if you’re sick too or you just ignore this, compartmentalize this, file it into my folder
It was a blood bath, it hasn’t gotten easier since, I remember the look on his face, what I said, but not what I did, every evil word burns my lips and the whiskey bites the crevices and punishes me with pennance pain
I remember the way the glass sprayed
The way your reflection looked in my hands and my eyes got heavy and my ears felt stuffed and someone was saying
My name, my name, my name