Malevolence

Malevolence

I’m not broken, I lived through it
And I never got caught
Up we go, this ascension into forged memories
You don’t remember everything just what you want to
What makes the story fit into this narrative you’re trying to rewrite
Where there’s no payback
Just boot-strapped recovery
That’s not how this happened
I knew you were with her
I didn’t have to see anything, just guilty gray eyes
Saddened fake surprise
And yet you’re still waiting
For someone that’s not me
Is it latent jealousy?
Oh wondrous envy
How dare I make it out alive
Not out of touch, but out of play
Out of reach, not out of view
Don’t think I’m not watching you
Scale and climb and stack karmic chips in your favor
But when you coil to strike
I won’t be alarmed
Your ideas wake me.

Conviction

Conviction

He stopped traffic to take a picture
Of the sky
And it didn’t even look different
But perspective projects grandeur
And good vibes and feelings
Taking up brain activity
Preventing discovery of what’s really wrong
Have you heard?
Did you see?
It’s not that great in most places
Especially compared to here
With moderate traffic and air conditioning
And gentrification
And contentedness
You probably won’t see me again
But if you do, I’ll look away
I’ll keep walking, I won’t even turn my head for a glance, for a glimpse,
For a desperate plea
For closure
You can’t close this.
I’ve implanted my magnets in your spine
And your hair will stand up whenever I’m near,
And you won’t be able to get away
The supreme happiness of life
Is the understanding of your frustration to be loved.

Catching Up

Catching Up

You’ll be happy to know, I got everything I had coming to me.
And now I’m even again.
Tired of doing the things I have to do
So I can do the things I want to do
Just like everybody else
You’d never know it was me
You’d never think I was capable of what I did, how I did it
Those hotels in San Juan
I don’t raise my voice anymore, I don’t hide
Find me, watch me, look for me,
On crowded sidewalks
In contrived fantasies
So far from what really happened
Refurbished constitutions
Reflecting what you felt
You used to feel. You used to think
About yourself and other inconsequential things
Soaked in self-grandeur
Not swept up in the carousel of other people’s problems and other people’s goals
You were hurt, you felt pain
That does not go away
Muscle memory, tucked between ligaments and loose ends
We don’t do it because it’s right
We do it for revenge.

The Family

The Family

You get tired of the sadness
And you start to look away
That’s who’s here, that’s what’s left
Tunnel visionaries, consumed by calendars
Calculated scheduling
Why waste time trying anything?
It’s just my time, my history,
My collected reflections, my unbroken connections
I knew who you were before you decided to be
I remember everything they told me
I was in the driveway
I watched them leave
I heard he left the country
I heard she was only twenty-two
Miles and mountains to ease the guilt
Lessen the penance
He’s closer to God now
He’s farther from you
You can’t make it unhappen
They deserve to know
They’ll find out
The children of war keep trying
They know they can survive

Immersive

Immersive

I believe that kind of stuff really happens
In international waters, between the latitudes and longitudes,
When you blow off course and the compass spins
And North doesn’t matter anyway,
Because you don’t know what’s South.
You’re following cardinal patterns, flying away
It’s easier when it’s already happened
And you won’t admit it was wrong,
it just wasn’t right
And you can take a dip
As long as you don’t dive in
The ocean belongs to all of us
You skim the surface, disrupt the ecology,
Challenge the current,
No one will save you here.
No one wants to, why would they?
You don’t choose to go off course
Rogue wandering, fitful sleeping
Perched high, with nothing to see.

Last Page

Last Page

I remember, I was there
Did you think I couldn’t hear the screaming?
I saw the flecks of glass on the sidewalk,
I heard the promise, saw you leave, like you weren’t coming back.
You pretend it didn’t happen.
We carry on, exchange gifts and thank you cards
And muffled phone calls and milestones,
Map around the dark spot, the blip,
The radar still detects it,
The soundwaves still represent it,
Certain sounds, certain scrapes, certain schemes
A carefully crafted cover up, you perpetuate
Like enough layers of paint make the masterpiece dry
I’m not worried about impressing you
You’re wined down and docile
And ready to ruin your life
You can’t win
You can’t bet against the house
Underserved confidence
Propelled arrogance
We see what we want
I wilted in your clenched fist

Trapped

Trapped

La vie en rose-gold
Not real carated gold, more like gold-glitter
Spray paint, over this average low life
Glamorizing the squalor in which I triumph
A brilliant diamond, choosing the rough
To reap instantaneous profit amongst
The scoundrels and mongrels, I reign queen
Perched on the other side of the glass ceiling
With a lock key safe I change money
From leafy crystalized trinkets to fabricated
Woven trust bills bound with tired rubber bands
Too aged to stretch
Not young taut legs of gymnasts or
The bounding muscled track runners
Round and round they go
Chasing the phantom adrenaline high
While I worry about cancer
And how I ended up in the passenger seat of my own car
Too drunk to drive, waiting for him to come back
The lights are still on, the engine chugs,
Jenny Lewis croons statically on the radio
But where oh where did he go?

Beacon

Beacon

I swallowed my secrets, I sweat out the guilt, but then I woke up
And it was all still here
Piled and filed in arbitrary archives
Written consent, records, history, memories
Don’t you ever think about me?
Don’t you wonder what I do?
How I got here?
And why I can’t go back?
Your past will kill you
Confession only goes so far
It’s what you carry with you
The weight of age
The looking over your shoulder
The wondering.
I know you were outside my door
I saw you
So I scaled the wall
Surmounted the building
Signal me
Call to me
Look at me
My perennial point threaded through
My fingers, rooting me to the ground
If I was crossing the street
Would you drive toward me?

Cavernous

Cavernous

I took a wrong turn twice and I kept going
Looking back at the receding skyline,
Bruised buildings with shelved secrets
I’ve been watching what you’re listening to
Do you remember the stairwell?
Do you remember the way the summer smelled?
I remember that dirty look, piercing hallowed halls
Between exaggerated emotional expression
I’ve never felt so stricken
Your dogging bite
Like it’s my fault, I’m bad
We’re all pretending we’re not bad
Grasping at the illusion of an endpoint
It was a nightmare but I wasn’t dreaming
I can love people, I’ll prove it
Like that makes it different
Like you can just tell me to go away
And I’ll suppress all these feelings
And they’ll tunnel and burrow and
Bury within me
Poisonous regressions, tumorous repressions
My malignant memories
Footprints on my skin, rope burn around my wrists, handprints on my soul
I ache for you

Void Where Prohibited

Void where prohibited

Here you are and there you weren’t and
Where we never seem to be
I used to want it
I don’t want anything anymore
Don’t glorify me, I didn’t ask for this
I was posing, performing, projecting
Your wildest dreams, divine pieces
From a fractured puzzle
Diverging species in a convergent universe
I called out to you
Did you hear me?
Did the fog scatter the sound particles
Like chipped ice, avalanching the scenery
You think it’s white
It’s colorblind
I lied, I lied, I lied
They said it would be easy
They said it wouldn’t matter
Lay down, wake up, I don’t want this
I want purposeful action
Not stages and scenery
Crumbling, stumbling, forging ahead
I used to dream of becoming
A beautiful soul